Confessions

I've been feeling like I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks. I want to just turn all my fears and doubts over to God, but I am finding myself hanging on to them. Why? Why, when it is so counterproductive and I know that He wants me to lay my burdens down is it so. darn. hard? Life has been pretty good on the whole and knowing that Paul is on board with this year being the year should have me feeling pretty up. And many times I am, but then the fear and doubt creep in and I let them, which angers me that I let them when I know it's just Satan messing with me. Ugh!

As many know we first sponsored Gracie from Nov 2008 until she was adopted in May of 2009. In those seven months I fell completely in love with her. Her photos were around the house, one in my purse as well. The girlies and I prayed over her daily. I made her a doll, we threw her a birthday party (y'all know I love any excuse for cake!), we sent many gifts and our old bumbo seat. I was invested. I dreamed that we might adopt her. Some mountains were starting to move, but when she was adopted very quickly in country she was suddenly, from my perspective, gone. I at least desired to know of her family via the blog world. I was happy for her, but it was hard. I had to grieve and it felt silly to have to do so, but it was a loss. We were given a little boy to sponsor next with a note that we could change if we had a different child in mind. Paul said stick with a boy- I had become very emotionally invested with a girl. But then a few weeks later Melody arrived at ND and there were some pretty neat red threads that tied me to her. So I sent my email request in and had my sponsorship switched to Melody. But I have had a hard time investing in her the way I did with Gracie. I've been making it about me. Sure, her picture is up on the credenza along with the girlies. And she is constantly on my mind and in my prayers and I have a gift that's been in my closet waiting to be sent for several months, but honestly I have been afraid to give all of myself to her in the manner I did before. Why? Irrational fear that I'll fall completely in love (I already have) and have my heart broken again. How utterly selfish. Could it be that she'll be made paper ready when we are ready? My mind wanders and I plan. Then I snap myself back into reality. It's a rough inner struggle.

Then there are the doubts of will this ever even financially happen. I have so many blog posts bookmarked of families telling about how God provided- and in my heart I know He will. It's just that dang doubt and fear again. But I am encouraged- and this is pretty cool.

Monday morning I had the day off- teacher workday for the public schools so a day home for me. I was in a daydreaming then doubting roller coaster mind play. I had finally turned it all over to God and said something along the lines of "You know the desires of my heart, and that this is all consuming me. I just need to know if this is in my sooner than later future so I can move forward, because I just need to let go if it's later." I checked my yahoo groups and saw a praise from a woman who had just received a grant, thankful for God's provision. I looked up the grant provider and was completely drawn in to their story. A couple had adopted a beautiful little girl, a heart baby. Her need was uncorrected. Upon returning home, she had a procedure, which she so sadly did not survive. My heart just ached as I read about sweet Anna . This God serving family made the decision in their pain to honor their daughter and bring glory to God by offering adoption assistance grants. Simply amazing! As I devoured every page of their site I felt God speaking to my heart. They concluded the telling of Anna's story with "We pray Anna’s story gives you hope that with Christ you can do anything (Phil. 4:13)." I was speechless. Then I had a little "Wow, God!" moment. I looked at the list of families who had received grants and saw my sweet friend Adeye's name at the top. In this wonderful blog world I have been so blessed to have found some amazing mentors and friends. Adeye has encouraged me through comments and emails, and by her example so many times. I had my answer, God was there saying "Child, don't let go, just trust me." And it gets even better.

I just had to write the family and tell them basically what I have written here, but much wordier. I was quite emotional! I had to share with them what an encouragement they were to me, how the Lord had led me to them in my time of questioning, and to thank them. Yesterday I got back the sweetest email from Jo sharing some struggles and doubts she had been going through when my email had arrived, and how God used my words to encouraged her. My words? Isn't God great! I look forward to getting to know Jo better and praying for her continued healing and for resources to fill their coffers so they can continue to provide grants and spread Anna's love.

So the doubts and fears will continue to come. But here is one more moment I can reflect back on showing God's greatness. When I turn it over to God who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20) He grows me in ways I hadn't imagined and my burden is lightened.

And my faith is renewed.

And I make a new friend.

(And I am finally going to gather my present for Melody and get it off to China and give her all of my heart).

Praise be to God!